And honestly, I’m a little shocked by the Gremlin’s behavior today. Not because he went to bed on time, or got up on time. Not because he didn’t fight his father over the clothes, shoes, or having to wear socks. Not even because he ate his breakfast, took his meds, and walked out the door and waited patiently for the bus, which he walked on like it was nothing. But because the contrast from last year to this year is like night and flipping day. To him, it was a normal Wednesday. For me, on the other hand, it's the break that I have been waiting for for the last six weeks.
It’s the chance to get the house back in running order, without having to worry about it being messed up in 30 minutes. It's a chance to deep clean his room without begging for someone to keep him entertained to do so. It's actually folding and putting away laundry instead of living out of clothes baskets because I was doing a hundred things at once. And while having a clean and organized space, should bring me a sense of accomplishment. All I can think about is how is his day going?
Five years of first days, and I still feel the same way I did when he went to Kindergarten. At least this for the last few years, I get to see him get on the bus. I’m a phone call away if shit goes sideways. I’m not stuck on a production line anxiety riddled while he is doing this. I got to get the kiss goodbye, while telling him to have a good day. That’s the joy and sacrifice playing out in real time.
Joy because I’m right here, 12 minutes from the school keys in hand. I get to be a part of all the special moments: class parties, field trips, and school assemblies. I also get to follow my passion, which I turned into a carree. I get to write and answer emails from fellow authors and fans, while also doing laundry, dishes and taking care of the house. I also get to see his little face when he walks off the bus in the afternoons, without having to rush home covered in god knows what from work. Some would say I’m lucky.
But here is what I sacrificed to be here.
Free time, because let’s face it, that doesn’t fucking exist. I’m either working on the house, yard, keeping bills paid, and/or the little Gremlin alive. When I’m not doing that, I’m sitting at my desk in my office trying to bang out at least 2500 to 3k works in a few uninterrupted hours. And even once the house is quiet because of naps, or bed. I’m prepping everything for either the next day, or staring off into space because I have forgotten what I was doing. Then going to sleep to do it all again the next day.
A full time 2nd paycheck. While I make royalties from my books, if they don’t sell well that month, we don’t have the extra money. As a family of three (plus two cats and a dog), we live paycheck to paycheck. And I have successfully kept our heads above water, while also keeping the car in the driveway on the road. It isn’t easy by a long shot. Having a job outside the house is also a blessing and curse. At least you have other semi humans to talk to. I have to wait for all my friends to come home from work to have an adult conversation. Otherwise, It’s just me and the washing machine or YouTube.
Work life balance is a fun one that I have thrown out the damn window. Let’s face facts. Like real down in the mud facts here. Once my feet hit the floor, Red Bull in hand, Cigarette hanging from my lips, and hair thrown up in whatever will keep it off my neck for the next few hours, IT’S GO TIME. It’s opening curtains and surveying damage of a tantrum I was too exhausted to deal with the night before. It’s praying I don’t have to wash the load of laundry for the third time because new flash: I got side tracked. It’s making sure hubby has clothes for work and Gremlin stays in clothes instead of streaking through the house.
It’s booting up my computer to check a to-do list, project management (which lately is me just sitting here for 10 minutes narrating how I should be doing more.) Then staring out the window looking at all the things I need to do in my own yard… Like cutting it. Breath deep and power through, while managing two other humans lives. Most days that's before the caffeine has told me it's safe to function.
Being a Stay at Home Parent is the best, most thankless job, we do. Some of us choose this, others, like me, got thrown into it so hard, we now have trauma and whiplash. We don’t have friends. We have battle buddies that see us at our worst and best. At this point, other than the work trip to Green Bay, I haven’t been able to just sit down and socialize. While yes, we do socialize on Saturday nights over on Twitch. We are all there because of one main reason, to make Izzy laugh until she turns purple. (Kidding Izzy… there is crying too)
Most, if not all my friends, live states away. The ones that are close to my area, they have their own lives, and shit to deal with. I respect that. After all, I’m in the same damn river paddling up stream with the rest. But the main point is, the load gets too much to carry. And while yes, I wouldn’t have it any other way right now, doesn’t mean I can’t want things to be a little different. That I shouldn’t want the other half to pull his damn weight inside the house, as he does when he escapes the house.
So tomorrow, I’m declaring a mental health day/ reward for surviving the summer. I am taking the time out of my day to go get my hair done. Why? Because It makes ME feel human. I’m not just a mom, wife, writer, author, and bestie to a group of amazing peps. I’m also a woman that needs to feel human and not like a damn servant. This is my line in the sand. What’s yours?
Be Brave, Be Bold But Always Stay Humble.
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