Good Morning Peps. How is everyone’s weekend going so far? Mine isn’t going bad per se but it's just at a state of “please for the love of” level. Gremlin has decided to make his war on sleep last until, now, 1:13 am. Which is currently why I’m sitting in my office and hubby is in there with him right now. I personally deal with this game of I don’t want to sleep all week, so on the rare not so rare as of late, occasion he’s home he has to deal with the situation. Since they are in our bedroom, I am in the only place that I can still keep an ear out if the Gremlin becomes too much to handle, the office.
Now at this point I have two options. Mindlessly scroll social media or sit here and do something half ass productive, because we all know that was not accomplished yesterday. I choose this. Why? I haven’t the foggiest, but it seems a lot better than watching and wading through videos. Especially since I’m in my feels right now.
What has me in my feels right now, you might be asking? Well, that would be my lack of productivity at the given moment. See my dysfunction doesn’t just relate to my physical world. Even though it plays huge roles there. My dysfunction has seemed to seep into every facet of my world like an exploding pumpkin someone couldn’t bear to carve. Too many options/tasks, not enough support/ general help to get it done, or even the constant interruptions/ complaints while I’m trying to get it done, I’ll shut down faster than a car with bad sparkplugs. And that’s where I’m sitting at, now 1:33am, all fire and no spark.
See I have three or so major things coming up in my life, that as a Mom, I can’t just switch around. I have to prepare for the war the best I currently can. One is school. Two is reclaiming my house from not only the summer but from the two other humans that live within it that don’t seem to think it's important to help me keep it clean. And three is finding editing work for while the Gremlin is in school. Because honestly, I really don’t want to go back to driving for delivery services again. I mean I will if I have to but there is very little money in the running during the day.
Now you add in, I have 6 currently active Works in Progress (that’s not all of them that’s just the ones I’m flipping between right now. The actual number is closer to 50ish.) You have an overworked mind, body and soul with no time to stop. I mean I could stop but the laundry is going to be ten times worse than it already is, and I swear it’s breeding like rabbits. The kitchen is going to look like a bigger battle zone that looks more like a bad game of Tetris or an expression of the leaning tower of Peza. That is just merely a few examples.
By the time, I’m good to start my day and really hammer shit out. I’m in a state of competition between both house and work, work and child, and child and house. A vicious cycle that goes round and round until I have to throw my hands into the air, screaming for help. I get the typical “give me a minute” or “I was fixing too” or my personal favorite “Your home all day, the house shouldn’t look like this.”
I would like to tell everyone one thing for certain. Having an autistic child is like having five, and you don’t know what version you got that day. Case in point: I left for Green Bay. I was gone for 5 days. Left out on Thursday came back on Monday. Now due to packing and dealing with the Gremlin wanting to be in the middle of everything I had enough time to pack and deal with small amounts of things Wednesday.
I was promised upon my arrival back at the house the tree would be off the garage, Gremlin’s room would be cleaned, and the Livingroom/ dining room would be handled, along with the laundry…. Nothing was done. Not one ounce of shit had been done. If anything, the house was worse than when I left. His excuse…. Gremlin wasn’t letting him get things done, it was too hot (At the time we didn’t have AC), and it was just too much to expect one person to handle.
Now I’ve been playing catch up. Which would be easier to handle if I could trust him to complete smaller tasks. Like taking Gremlin to play before or after the heat of the day, starting and finishing a task in the same day like the lawn or kitchen. He’s great at starting shit but takes forever to actually finish them… hence the reason I still have a tree on my garage. All of this leaves me holding the bag.
When you have so much going off in so many different directions, even the quiet seems to be screaming at you. Let’s face it and call it what it is. Guilt. Guilt that the house is a mess when you aren't the only one that lived to make it. Guilt of having to sit down at your computer to write the stories (that later hopefully turn into money) when you should be present for everything around you. The guilt of not enjoying the blessings you worked for, because the world keeps shouting, keeps grinding or, worse, acting like it meant nothing. Shit can get dark quick.
So, the next time shit gets real, and even the quiet is too loud. Understand, I see you. I understand you are doing your damn best. Grace and mercy are what we give to others, but we need to save some for our damn selves. And sometimes a healthy dose of “IF YOU DON’T STOP (FILL IN BLANK) is necessary for understanding FAFO. I’m ending this at 2:24 am, in hopes of closing my eyes for a few hours before I have to get up and get some shit done. Breathe, it’ll be okay or at least okayish. If not, drop me an email and we can scream into the void together.
Be Brave, Be Bold, Always Stay Humble.
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