Hey Peps. I’m coming to you live at damn near 4am on this Wednesday morning. Why am I awake you might ask. Funny story that’s not so damn funny. My chaos gremlin hasn’t been sleeping on a normal schedule for damn near 3 weeks. The meds have stopped working and when we get closer to answers on why this is happening, well, lets just say he reverts back to default mode. Everything will be fine for a few days, and then BAM here we go again.
In the last 48hrs, I have personally slept a total of maybe 7hrs and that's probably a generous estimate. In the last week I have averaged 6hrs, with only a few days of real sleep to bump that number up. I already have insomnia, depression, anxiety, and the real kicker is I'm an unmedicated Bi-polar with undiagnosed ADHD, OCD, and probably a slew of other shit I can’t afford to find out right now. The point is that this is reality for a lot of us.
Kids are awake so we have to be alert. We push ourselves to meet deadlines that as Indies don’t exist, well not really. We work on our own timelines but if we want to stay relevant then we have to work 10 times harder than those with traditional publishers. Hiding the fact, that we have no damn idea what the actual fuck we are doing.
We are fueled with caffeine and the need to prove a point. Stories pour out of us like vessels too full from all the details we have been presented with. Timelines, we can hardly keep straight. So much physical detail and research, that our eyes burn from staring at screens way too long. Done all in the name of our craft. Some trade actual human interaction for characters that snub them at the first slight.
That’s when the exhaustion from not only burning the midnight oil but also the candle at both ends. That’s also when the imposter syndrome, self-doubt, and self-worth starts running around the room like a toddler jacked up on Coke and gummy bears. The actual kids are following suit and you're holding on like a weather vein in a tornado. During this you finally open your eyes to the chaos that has been brewing around you for days, weeks, or months.
The sink is full of dirty dishes. No one has thought to put laundry on or started it and never switched it out. The kids, or in my case kid, have destroyed three rooms (one of which was his own), and caused a semi flood in the bathroom. All while I had my head in the game for a few hours.
Simple truth…. For a SAHM or Parent…. There is no damn work life balance. If we do have budding careers we handle from home, it's a tight rope act of keeping kids occupied, house handled, while also getting a couple thousand words on the paper a day. It’s constant interruption, while trying to stay present for our children. It's brainstorming, while asking a child why he felt the need to cover his dresser with stickers. It’s half ass plotting, while making him his fourth bologna sandwich for the day. It’s character development, while watching the live character you created have a damn meltdown because Netflix took off his movie.
It’s also feeling like shit because the last real thing you ate was a cold hotdog while passing the fridge on one of the million movie changes. Living off Coffee and Red Bull like its a damn blood type. Smoking or vaping for stimulation that isn’t working because you have already overloaded. And the Lack of FUCKIING SLEEP you can't seem to catch up on because you're the parent that has to handle it all.
I see you. I hear the frustration when you're like “can you just give me one actual minute.” When you make up reasons to go to the store, not because you or the house needs anything, but because you just need a damn minute to sit in the quiet. Not have tiny fingers pull on you, or voices asking you a thousand questions.
It’s OKAY not to be OKAY. It’s fine to pull yourself away to recenter yourself. What is not okay, though is pretending your fine when you're not fucking fine. Smiling politely, while the world is handing you a shit sandwich and you’re still trying to cope with the smell let alone the taste. When you happen to be the only functioning ass adult, and no one has even thought to cover your 6. It’s not right, and it's certainly not fair.
So… this is what I need you to do today.
BREATHE. That’s step 1.
Step 2: Go check on the laundry. No one needs that smell, especially you.
3: Drink some damn water. I don’t care if it's Kool aid. Let's try one drink that isn’t semi rocket fuel today.
4: Find 10 minutes to sit in silence. Even if that silence is an audio book, rage music, or actually no one is allowed to say a damn word.
5: This would be a good time to think about dinner. (Pizza is always a viable option)
6: Let what will be actually be for a bit. This is the be present part. The story will wait but our kids are only ours for a short amount of time.
Now if you actually have the energy after everyone is fed, cleaned up, and snuggled to actually do some writing then hit it. 45 minutes only. Then bed.
The struggle is real, but the real struggle is not losing yourself in the rat race we call life. Drop some comments below and tell me how you're making it through. Peace and Love. And Remember Be Brave, Be Bold, but Always Stay Humble. Catch you guys on Friday.
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